That Dang NEEDED Lesson

That’s right. Not wanted. Not asked for. NEEDED.

Today, although not feeling particularly motivated, I actually got off my duff and have been doing some things. Let’s get the most accomplished thing out of the way…I showered!! That, on a day in which I don’t have to go anywhere or see the public is a rarity, ok? I have taken to the face cleansing, brush wetting hair, “I only wore it yesterday”, type of living. I’m not lazy, per se, but I definitely enjoy a much slower pace of life than offered. So, I’m clean – YAY!

As the Cleaning Lady (oh, that’s what I named the Roomba) was doing her thing, I realized that, as awesome as she is, she does not do stairs. And with kids and cats, that carpet traffic is R-E-A-L and I will take the time to do it. Mind you, since I now have a combined household with my mother, we have the Cleaning Lady for every single day cat cleanup, my vacuum as the downstairs vac, and her whopper vac as the upstairs one. This done specifically so there would never be a reason for her to lug a vacuum anywhere. But for the stairs, that whopper is the chosen one. The drone of the cleaning lady and of the whopper puts me totally in a zen state. I figure it is the adult manifestation of the the years as a child being driven in a car to fall asleep. That is serious! My mother had to threaten me, in order for me to get my license, which I desperately wanted at 16, I had to be able to stay awake in the car to the nearest town. You have to understand, at that point, I wasn’t seeing the 7 minute drive because I would get in a car and literally pass out within the first 3 minutes. It’s a desperate situation, but I usually do all of the driving now, so that is handled. No sleeping at the wheel. Put me in the passenger seat, I give you a few hours. Back seat? You have minutes.

I digress….

So in the vacuuming process, I decide that it should really be a deep cleaning of the stairs and the woodwork, railings, spindles, etc. Gladly I grab the orange spray and go to town! Not only will this wood be clean…it will be conditioned and in a gorgeous shiny state for the few hours prior to my children coming home with who-knows-what on their hands.

That’s when I hear him. He RARELY speaks to me. And when he does, it is profound and usually that-needed-lesson. Who is he? “He” is my Grandfather. My mom’s dad, who I grew up with basically being my own Dad. He was, and still is, the only person who is that larger than life figure. My oldest daughter is starting to get there, and I attribute that to him, too. Anyway, I had him, daily, for 24 years. He passed away 20+ years ago. Family members have spoken about dreaming about him, hearing him, talking to him, visiting his burial site, etc. Since his death, I have had 3 instances with him. 1) When my oldest was a very new born, I had a dream sitting with him at the kitchen table. He was in the red/black plaid shirt he often wore and had her neatly, safely, and lovingly tucked into his left arm. The ONLY interaction of that – “She won’t meet me, but she’ll KNOW me.”. 2) Moving into the house I bought and painting this same daughter’s room that she wanted painted the first weekend so she could occupy it, I am working like a madwoman and I hear, “Are you doing this fast or half fast (half-assed)?” To which I answered him OUT LOUD, “Really? THAT’S what you have to say to me?” My husband was like…”WHAT?!” I had to admit I wasn’t speaking to him. 3) Brings us to today. As I’m conditioning the wood, I hear it. Not his voice, but the lesson. Dad always used to tell me that good, manual labor, was praising God. I used to chalk it up to his obvious insanity from having 12 children and that he was turning into that crazy hermit dude who lives in the woods, off grid. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am taking such care of this wood spindle – cleaning and conditioning – but I am not actively cleaning and conditioning my heart. How recently have I cleaned and conditioned myself in my faith? Have I actively sought God’s grace and forgiveness and thanked Him for my current (and past) everything? And here’s where the tears started…so violently and unintentional and truthful! THE NEEDED LESSON! In the cleaning of the wood, though? YES! YES! In the very hands on, caretaking of something so mundane, the needed lesson in my life. Freaking A – that dude was right….AGAIN!

That job being done, tears expelled and composure gained, I move onto vacuuming the corners where Cleaning Lady can’t get or deposits dirt while hitting the joint of two floor surfaces. Done and done, easy. But, hey, I’ve got the cleaner/conditioner out, let’s tackle the foyer so that the whole area is done. Cleaning, wiping, scrubbing, wiping, front door last, thinking about the lesson I just was schooled with, aaaaand step back. Take a gander to make sure it all looks……

A cross. The front door….has….the….cross. Now I’m getting a bit upset thinking I am being punk’d. So I start the trip around the house to check out all of the other doors. No. No. Nope. Nuh-uh. No. Nope. Are you freaking kidding me? Every other door either has a double cross thing or none at all. NO OTHER DOOR! Now……..now I’m in argue mode. “REALLY DAD?!?! You had to bring Grammy into this?!?! That’s a cheap move!” I can sense that this lesson is being forced upon me in ways that is overwhelming physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I got it the first time around, now you are calling in BACK UP??? That’s low, my man. See, my Grandfather had passed a few years prior to my mother and Grandmother deciding to update the house. Big ol’ renovation that my mom paid a lot into and gave my Grandmother carte blanche with what she wanted. So, he had nothing to do with it. This is a Gram project. And bless her soul, I had her daily for 40 years and miss her these years later. To give you some insight: each day, as a child, and I will assume way prior to my knowledge since I was the first grandchild and my mom is #2 of 12, when you walked out the front door, one if not both of my grandparents would say, “Praise God and bring joy to the world.” Like, to the point if you were leaving and *didn’t* hear that, you came back in the door to make sure they realized you were leaving. Now that it has been years without either of them here to say that to me, this was them saying it to me again.

I share this with you, clearly because it is my lesson, but maybe for it to be yours, too? Did you praise God today? Even if you aren’t a person of faith, did you bring joy to the world? How much time did you spend on your heart and spirit today? As much time as you spent cleaning your car? Watching the NBA playoffs? Time at work?

Like I said, these lessons aren’t chosen, often not sought out. That’s why they are so profound…and carry such gravitas. I am going to start having a very different day than planned. I pray that you have a beautiful and joyful day!!!

The Freedom of “F@&! It”

Aaahhhh….relaxation.

How you ask? How do you possibly achieve this state of being while parenting…..while it is seemingly the exact opposite?! Two. Tiny. Words. F@&! It. And, no, you don’t have to use these specifically, but the idea behind it is where the keys to the kingdom lie.

There is such a level of freedom when this is adopted. It isn’t lack of care or concern or even years of pent up pet peeves. It’s an understanding that, in the full picture….heck even in the smallest pixels….certain things just aren’t worth the holding onto. We can take something small like Jimmy playing in that mud puddle you asked him not to play in while dressed for Easter all the way up to Tina telling you those whopper lies at an age where she should know better (like….A WHOLE LOT BETTER!). Even the best of us can get caught up in the moment and feel the rage-o-meter rise! That’s where you need to have a very large container of “F.I.” on tap. Douse the flames before they get out of control. Momma…….let me let you in on a little secret….

…stains happen….and that is usually what a washing machine is for. Just think of the stories that will come for YEARS because Jimmy looks like he is wearing brown, knee high socks in that picture! And Tina…yes, you want her to stop lying, but it isn’t a personal attack on you! It is a scared/uncertain/hormonal issue for her. Help her see that you aren’t the enemy and won’t fly off the handle. Are you sick of it? Yes. Yes, you certainly are. There is a learning lesson for you both in that moment and you both have to learn it. Teach each other. Because, even though we “say so”, we don’t know it all, do we? I know, I know….they think we do. And some days, we seem to actually have ALL of the answers. Seriously? Kudos to us on those days. Yeah….brag.

In natural form to these blogs….OF COURSE I have stuff from my own life to share! The reason I even got to this wonderful canister of flame flattening foam was a year, clearly sent, wrapped, delivered, and sitting there impatiently waiting for me to unwrap all of the goodies given, straight from Satan. Very long story short: separation, moving out with girls, moving back in with girls, divorce, selling of house, moving, continued ‘pandemic’ nonsense, life in general, yadda, yadda. My children, now 20, 13, and 6, are a-frickin’-mazing! I learned so much from them during all of this. These three girls, in these three completely different stages in their lives, literally put me in a place where it wasn’t even survival but motivation to maneuver. Did I have to go to the place of “parent strength” sometimes? Yes. But it was never a negative reason or surrounded by negative feelings. And that’s because these chicks handed me an empty canister and then started teaching me to fill it with “F.I.”.

My oldest: the wise, the savvy, the positively persistent, the leader of the pack, the responsible, the academically driven, the laser focused. You have her in your head? Ok, now add to that: stunningly exotic, incredibly hysterical, massively talented. So this is the chick that we all wanted to be like or be liked by or just get to smell as she got close. She isn’t “popular” in the sense that you get when you think of what that means to you. She’s just…..that one. Sort of a loner by choice, not friends with the fake people, one of those hot nerdy types. She does suffer HEAVILY from RBF, but is the biggest quirky goofball you could ever meet.

My “middle” – I put middle in quotes because she is just second born. With so much space between all of them, she wasn’t ever really “middle-d”: the oblivious, the overly laid back, the do the minimum it takes to get by, the ‘I’ll get to it’, the unorganized. You have her in your head? Ok, now add to that: absolutely gorgeous, persistent, so uniquely talented, can make a friend anywhere, super social. This girl is the fancy one and not in the sense of high maintenance. She is messy chic. LOVES her some overly ripped jeans and a frumpy tee, but has to add a blingy necklace and elbow high, fingerless, knit gloves. Like, if goth and grunge had a baby who was into princesses. Like Courtney Love from the 90’s and from now, but both living in the present. Screw it! She’s an anomaly, super emotional in every direction, the greatest challenge and the most successful reward. She looks up to her big sister SO MUCH, but realizes that her happiness does not live in that level of achievement and performance. We are learning to be in a space of good flow together.

My youngest: the stubborn, the equal to her older sisters, the toughy, the truth-teller, the jokester, the line toe-r, the baby. You picturing that? Ok, now add to that: the “Entertainment” <–actual nickname given to her, puppy eyed, comfortable in her own skin, adored by everyone, street smart. This one, at 6, has NO concept that she isn’t on the same level as anyone she meets. She will add to any conversation whether it is being held by her peers, her sisters’ friends, or adults. With a wicked (not mean) sense of humor, timing, and sarcasm, she can fling a one liner so fast that you’ll never see it coming, barely hear it, but it will mind ninja you later. She’s a sponge for knowledge (useful and not), coordinated in a big body beyond her years so actually gets a bit mistreated because people think she is way older than she is. This one….is the “completion”. She complements her sisters so well, that they are truly and perfectly a right triangle.

All of this to say, these are the troopers that I have by my side and under my care that teach me something new every day. The oldest and youngest can get so mad about things, and two minutes later it is like nothing had ever happened. The oldest resolves it, usually, in a very take charge manner. The youngest by moving onto the next thing. The middle musics or draws it out, holds it in for a little while, then cries. All of these ways have been “me” at some point throughout my life, but these are the things we tend to forget, or want to forget, but do ourselves a great disservice thinking that they aren’t important to our now. Each of us has reached a point because of all of that. Some things we can correct. Most things deserve a big ol’ “F.I.” and movement forward. It brought us where we are. Lessons learned. Lessons appreciated. Growth and movement.

There are people who I have formed very close friendships with over the years that I have severely dropped the ball. “F.I.” – contact them. There are boxes still taking up the garage from the move 6 month ago. “F.I.” – a box every 3-4 days (or 8-9) works. Having to take on another job to pay for college. “F.I.” – she made a very smart decision where to attend and it is extremely doable. It is a blessing, not a burden. Grades aren’t where I would like them to be. “F.I.” – she had an extremely tough year and we go into high school with a new lease on life, new outlook, new everything. She is learning herself and resilience. The sassy attitude is getting one eyeroll closer to all nerves gone. “F.I.” – she doesn’t understand what is happening and has all the feels. Being strong willed will serve her in her future, even though I want to wipe it out of my house now. Groceries and gas cost a kidney on the black market. “F.I.” – I am in a position to be able to handle these extras for now. Cell phone keeps crapping out. “F.I.” – I really don’t like people that much anyway. The digging site across the street makes noise all day. Ok, ok, this one might not get the same reaction. But you follow me, right? All of these things, big or small, don’t have the control over us. They happen. They are events. What you choose to do with those events is where the beauty lies.

This post isn’t exactly where I wanted it to be…………..guess what………